"These styrofoam peanuts are just as good as stuffing""In the year since we were last together, I forgot how much I despised you people"
"Instead of watching football, I Tivo'd a week of Regis"
"Finish carving the turkey, then we'll see if we can reattach your thumb"
"There are two pecan pies -- one I licked and one I didn't"
"Why is Shecky naked?"
"Surprise! It's a raccoon!"
"Did I shoot this turkey myself? You betcha!"
"Who invited Letterman?"
"Are you wearing a wire?"
"After grandpa has a couple more glasses of wine, get him to sign the new will"
"White or green meat?"
"You want a wing or a hoof?"
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